It is regrettable nowadays that with bacteria problems and the entire “clean and safe” frenzy in our society that many men have strayed from the traditional ways of ordering steak. Needless to say that any man truly worth his weight in masculinity would not forgo the opportunity to enjoy a steak to the fullest in favor of decreasing his odds of catching E. Coli just a few percentage points. And so I put to you the reader this simple guide on eating steak (and other large chunks of red meat) like the a true man.

“How would you like your steak cooked?” Rare!
Perhaps not everyone is a fan of eating a bleeding chunk of meat that has been ever so quickly seared on the outside. I will admit that even I would prefer a little more heat to my meat (excuse the sexual connotation), so I usually opt for the medium rare preparation. It should be noted that certain expensive cuts of meat, particularly those Kobe beef cuts from Japan, should ideally be enjoyed rare to capture full flavor. Any Japanese chef will tell you that regardless of the steak, if you order it medium-well or well done, that you are wasting a perfectly good steak.

“You could have had a V8.” Yes, but this is a steak dinner you pansy.
Ordering vegetables to compliment your steak dinner with something that smacks of healthy eating is a trend that has been allowed to perpetuate itself for too long. You are about to eat a huge slab of beef, most likely with some form of unhealthy potato starch, and yet somehow feel that ordering a sprig of broccoli makes it better? Don’t kid yourself guys, please. The only thing even resembling vegetables that should accompany a steak are sautéed onions and mushrooms. The only exception to the “no green” rule would be asparagus or a salad beforehand.

“Could I have some A1 steak sauce?” No. Next time go somewhere other than Sizzler’s.
If your steak, cooked to medium-rare or rarer perfection, is so tasteless that you feel the need to request in front of other people a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce, then you probably need to try to eat a better restaurant. If money is limiting you from going out to a nice steakhouse, then buy the ingredients at home and fry one up yourself. The only exception to the “no sauce” rule here would be at a steakhouse that prepares the steak with some sort of flavor in mind like peppercorn steak sauce.

“What size steak would you like?” I’m a man, I always eat the bigger cut.
In order to not come across to your server and the members of your party as a little girl, always order the largest cut of steak you can up to 16 ounces. Anything over one pound is pretty excessive, but anything shy of 16 ounces given the choice is lacking masculinity. Most high class steakhouses will have a fixed weight cut for their dinners, but chain steakhouses and the like will give you a choice of cuts, in which case the principle of “bigger is better” applies to all men.

“Would you like a box?” No, I’d rather not waste my money.
Taking home leftover steak is a very bad choice. Not only does it mean you have admitted defeat to a dead lump of cooked meat, which is unacceptable for any man to do, but reheating already cooked red meat is never good. Reheated steaks tend to end up very dry and they lose a lot of flavor. If for some emergency were to arise, like your girlfriend suddenly choking on her food, that forces you to abandon your manly duty to consume your whole steak in one sitting, the best thing to do with your leftovers is to feed it to your dog. If you don’t have a dog, plant the leftover steak in your background and see if a Steak Tree grows. It won’t happen, but it will make for a funny story later.

It is my hope that the men who happen across this post find enlightenment and get back in touch with their (cave)man side. Eating steak is something that should be done only once in a while, as a normal steak dinner comprises of about 100,000 calories. But when you do get a chance to sit down and enjoy a steak, please keep in mind the above guidelines and rules. Doing so will ensure you maintain your manly appearance, and will stop your friends from calling you a girl.

Hours, days, and weeks pass by and she still haunts your dreams. You long to make things right and return your life to that state of happiness you once had. You’ve exhausted your ideas on how to win her back, wracked your mind around the subject. Your buddies are telling you to move on but you just won’t.

I’m sorry to say that, at this point, the best thing you can do about it is forget about her and move on with your life. I know it isn’t easy, and I’m sure you know it, too. But as a great man once said, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” This might not always seem to be the case, but it’s good advice nonetheless.

To ease your pain, here are a few tips on how to get over your ex as soon as possible, so you can pick up the pieces and move on:

Closure is the Key
The first step to getting over your ex is to end all hope that you may one day get back together. Any shred of hope in your mind, even subconsciously, will invite thoughts of getting back together in the future. If she hasn’t already told you “I could never love you”, or some variation thereof, you need to seek out this painful, but ultimately closing statement from your ex. The sooner you can achieve closure, the sooner you will be able to lick your wounds and heal.

Don’t Call Her
As much as your wounded heart may want you to, do not call her or speak with her anymore. With the electronic age this includes emails, instant messages, and texting. Definitely avoid drinking and then calling her in a drunken stupor. You’ll either end up looking like a total jackass, or a total wuss. The more you engage her the harder it will be to forget her and move on.

Throw Away Things that Remind You of Her
Small gifts, pictures, and other objects that bring back memories of your ex should be discarded, or at the very least stored away somewhere that is not easily accessible. The less she crosses your mind, the less she’ll occupy your thoughts.

Idolize Her No More
Do not allow yourself to idolize your ex. Don’t compare new women you meet to her. Refrain from thinking “This girl is so funny… she reminds me of my ex.” Building up your ex in your head not only will make it harder for you to get over her, but may potentially ruin your future attempts at a relationship.

Don’t Be a Stalker
Avoid places where she normally hangs out or spends a lot of time. Do not attempt to follow her around or keep tabs on her in any way. This typically invites jealousy when you discover she’s seeing someone else. Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

Fly Free!
Relationships are great, and all of us wish on some level we could find one that sticks. But we all also value freedom. Enjoy the freedom (although temporary if you are looking for a new relationship) you have now that you are away from your ex. Having fun and enjoying your newfound freedom will go a long way toward helping you get over her.

Hang Out with Friends
There is nothing better for getting over your ex than to spend time with your friends. Let them tell you how she wasn’t “all that” and remind you that there are plenty of chicks out there. Almost all men have gone through this before. Let them coach you through it.

Have Sex, Maybe Even Just a Fling
As with many aspects of life, nothing takes your mind off your worries quite like a romp in the sack. Sure, it might be rebound sex, but who cares? Enjoying the company of another woman in your bed (or hers of course) might be just the thing you need to realize that your ex isn’t the one for you.

The common theme to all of these tips is to keep your ex out of sight and out of mind. Detaching yourself from your past relationship is the only way to heal and prepare for future ones. I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy, it never is. But with these guidelines hopefully your next breakup will go all the more smoothly. Don’t fret, you’ll find someone eventually (hopefully!).