Farting Like a Gentleman

It is inevitable that every man, very often in his life, will feel the need to release some bodily gases. In some cases these gases will be so kind as to exit through the upper passageway (i.e. a burp), more often than not men find themselves needing to alleviate some pressure down under. But do not fret! It is perfectly normal to expel gas in the form of farts. In fact, your body needs to release gases everyday, as much as 2 liters of gas per day! Although farting may be a necessary function of our bodies, it is normally not an acceptable activity in the company of others. It is a common misnomer that the rule to farting is “never in public.” Luckily for us men there are a set of unspoken rules that allow us some freedom in our need to fart. Here are a few points of proper farting etiquette that you should follow next time you feel the urge to “toot your horn”:

1. Church — Farting in or around a religious property is strictly forbidden. Unless of course you for some reason worship the God of Beans & Cheese
2. Elevators — Refrain from breaking wind in an elevator, or any tightly enclosed space with poor ventilation.
3. Meetings — It would be wise to not indulge in flatulence inducing foods before important meetings like a job interview or presentation. This also extends to important personal gatherings like meeting your girlfriend’s family. The last thing you want is to leave a smelly impression.
4. Airplanes – Needing to fart on an airplane presents you with one of two choices: One, get up from your seat and fart in the lavatory. Or 2, direct your fart directly into your seat cushion. If you choose to pursue choice 2, it is also advisable for you to cover your lap with your pillow and blanket to help cover up the sound and the smell.
5. During Sex – Unless you are engaging in activities like the “Dutch Oven” or “Cleveland steamer”, farting during sex is not acceptable. Although, if you do participate in either of these activities, your problems probably run deeper than farting at inappropriate times.
6. Taking the Blame — If you are ever in a situation whereby a woman has obviously passed gas, then as a gentleman you should take the blame for her. While this may not win you points with those around you at the time, you will certainly win the appreciation of the woman you covered for. The only situation where you should not take blame is if the woman is a Feminist. Feminists can take the fart fall.
7. Masking the Fart – You may in extreme last-ditch effort cases attempt to cover up your fart by raising the volume of your voice of coughing during the act. This normally does not work, but what have you got to lose?
8. Blaming the Dog – If a dog is in sight, you may blame it for your flatulence. Preferably it is a large dog that looks capable of belting out a stinker. Paris Hilton’s tiny mutant dogs, for example, are not good to blame for farts.
9. Accusations — Whoever denied it, supplied it. Whoever smelt it, dealt it. These sayings carry true wisdom even in modern times.
10. “Pull My Finger!” — Always respond with a firm “No!”

This is just a short list of basic farting etiquette. In the future, if you feel the need to pass gas, please adhere to the above guidelines. Remember that your body naturally creates gas to fart out, but society hates you for farting anyway.

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