Eating Steak Like a Man
March 7, 2008
Steak is one of the quintessential man-food items that one can think of. Perhaps it comes as a result of our caveman ancestors and their dietary choices. Of course while today we enjoy nicely cut pieces of beef, our ancestors probably only had to look forward to a hunk of meat from whatever animal happened to be wandering near their nomad village that day. But the theme of eating big chunks of meat in one sitting remains the same even 10,000,000 years later.
It is regrettable nowadays that with bacteria problems and the entire “clean and safe” frenzy in our society that many men have strayed from the traditional ways of ordering steak. Needless to say that any man truly worth his weight in masculinity would not forgo the opportunity to enjoy a steak to the fullest in favor of decreasing his odds of catching E. Coli just a few percentage points. And so I put to you the reader this simple guide on eating steak (and other large chunks of red meat) like the a true man.
“How would you like your steak cooked?” Rare!
Perhaps not everyone is a fan of eating a bleeding chunk of meat that has been ever so quickly seared on the outside. I will admit that even I would prefer a little more heat to my meat (excuse the sexual connotation), so I usually opt for the medium rare preparation. It should be noted that certain expensive cuts of meat, particularly those Kobe beef cuts from Japan, should ideally be enjoyed rare to capture full flavor. Any Japanese chef will tell you that regardless of the steak, if you order it medium-well or well done, that you are wasting a perfectly good steak.
“You could have had a V8.” Yes, but this is a steak dinner you pansy.
Ordering vegetables to compliment your steak dinner with something that smacks of healthy eating is a trend that has been allowed to perpetuate itself for too long. You are about to eat a huge slab of beef, most likely with some form of unhealthy potato starch, and yet somehow feel that ordering a sprig of broccoli makes it better? Don’t kid yourself guys, please. The only thing even resembling vegetables that should accompany a steak are sautéed onions and mushrooms. The only exception to the “no green” rule would be asparagus or a salad beforehand.
“Could I have some A1 steak sauce?” No. Next time go somewhere other than Sizzler’s.
If your steak, cooked to medium-rare or rarer perfection, is so tasteless that you feel the need to request in front of other people a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce, then you probably need to try to eat a better restaurant. If money is limiting you from going out to a nice steakhouse, then buy the ingredients at home and fry one up yourself. The only exception to the “no sauce” rule here would be at a steakhouse that prepares the steak with some sort of flavor in mind like peppercorn steak sauce.
“What size steak would you like?” I’m a man, I always eat the bigger cut.
In order to not come across to your server and the members of your party as a little girl, always order the largest cut of steak you can up to 16 ounces. Anything over one pound is pretty excessive, but anything shy of 16 ounces given the choice is lacking masculinity. Most high class steakhouses will have a fixed weight cut for their dinners, but chain steakhouses and the like will give you a choice of cuts, in which case the principle of “bigger is better” applies to all men.
“Would you like a box?” No, I’d rather not waste my money.
Taking home leftover steak is a very bad choice. Not only does it mean you have admitted defeat to a dead lump of cooked meat, which is unacceptable for any man to do, but reheating already cooked red meat is never good. Reheated steaks tend to end up very dry and they lose a lot of flavor. If for some emergency were to arise, like your girlfriend suddenly choking on her food, that forces you to abandon your manly duty to consume your whole steak in one sitting, the best thing to do with your leftovers is to feed it to your dog. If you don’t have a dog, plant the leftover steak in your background and see if a Steak Tree grows. It won’t happen, but it will make for a funny story later.
It is my hope that the men who happen across this post find enlightenment and get back in touch with their (cave)man side. Eating steak is something that should be done only once in a while, as a normal steak dinner comprises of about 100,000 calories. But when you do get a chance to sit down and enjoy a steak, please keep in mind the above guidelines and rules. Doing so will ensure you maintain your manly appearance, and will stop your friends from calling you a girl.
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