Men’s Room Etiquette

Every man in his life, at one time or another, has had the pleasure of experiencing the use of a men’s room. Since the dawn of time the men’s room has been a sacred gather place of unified man-waste disposal. Never before has there been a place with so much sexually homophobic tension in human history. Most men’s rooms are blessed with a smell akin to that of a stairway in a New York City subway. This musk of dried urine and scented bathroom cleaners is a must have in any men’s room. It is a scent we have grown to accept, and love.

Unfortunately the status of men’s room as the most efficient (when compared to women’s restrooms) is being threatened by a growing problem whereby men are becoming less aware of proper restroom etiquette. To this end, Manliness 101 has worked together this brief summary of the proper form of etiquette when making use of the men’s room. These guidelines should be followed by every man who has ever set foot in a restroom, and every man to follow:

• General Rules
  • No talking. Ever. – Never under any circumstance should there be any form of oral communication in the men’s room. Talking disrupts the delicate balance of efficiency and urine that is vital to the experience.
  • No grunting — An expansion upon the above rule, there is to be no form of sound in the bathroom that does not originate from a pipe or the stream of urine hitting the urinal. You may, on rare cases, cough or clear your throat. If you are passing the most painful poop in the world, be a man and suck it up. It might hurt, but the rest of us don’t want to hear about it.
  • Keep your eyes to yourself — There is to be no eye contact in the men’s room. Do not allow your eyes to wander toward other men’s private areas, even if you are genuinely interested in them. Failure to adhere may result in beatings.
  • You’re on a clock — The men’s room does have an unspoken time limit. If you find yourself taking longer than 23 seconds to urinate, stop midstream, zip up, and move on. In order for the men’s room to operate at maximum efficiency there must be a constant flow of people in and out.
  • Shy? Zip up. — If you fall victim to a shy bladder, most likely as a result of the 20 other guys waiting in line for a chance at sweet bladder relief, zip up and pretend you did urinate. This allows for turnaround times in the men’s room to remain low, while saving you the embarrassment of standing there until some guy asks “How long are you going to take?”
• Stall Etiquette
  • Ass in seat — If the sanitary conditions of the restroom stall are acceptable, make every effort to sit down on the toilet even if you need to urinate. This minimizes the chance of accidental “misfires” which result in the scent balance of dried urine and chemical cleaners to be thrown off.
  • Toilet seat up – Should you need to stand up to urinate in the stall, be sure to lift the seat. Remember, every time you piss without lifting the seat, God smites a kitten.
  • Flushing — Always flush, every time you jackass.
• Urinal Etiquette
  • Look straight ahead — When using the urinal, you are allowed to look down at your zipper and/or penis, or at the wall directly in front of you. Your eyes should never wander from either of these two spots until you are zipped up and ready to go.
  • Zip up – When you are done urinating, you should zip your pants before turning away from the urinal. The last thing we need is an accidental sighting of male genitalia.
  • Urinal position — Refer to the video posted below to understand which urinal to use given different circumstances.

The following is a video produced that demonstrates the principles of men’s room etiquette that I have listed for you above. Pay special attention to the guidelines on urinal position selection:

Now that you are properly informed of the proper men’s room etiquette, please put what you have learned into practice. If you see a man during your upcoming men’s room visits that does not appear to know of these guidelines, direct him to this post or educate him in person. In doing so you would have made the world a better place, maybe even prevented World War III! Thank about it.

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